Finding Peace in the Corona Chaos

Since Coronavirus life has changed.  In isolation and idleness, without the sense of purpose and social validation of the workplace, I have been overwhelmed by a feeling of powerlessness and the accompanying self-contempt for my inability to control the situation. 

In my unease I fester on all the things I need to do or could do.  But, it is hard to focus and easy to give up when obstacles arise. 

When I received Governor Cuomo’s request for assistance on the front lines, guilt added its’ voice to the ringing in my ears.  It did not matter that I have been away from hospital or ICU care for thirty-five years.  I did not feel qualified to go. I was afraid to go. I did not want to go.  And so the self-contempt smoldered.

Friends and family responded with strong arguments justifying my decision. They told me not to feel guilty, as if their love could crowd the self-loathing out of my heart.  This did not help.

Then I returned to my meditative practice.  In the light of the crescent moon dancing on the star-studded, dark blue velvet sea of sky, I suddenly knew I was not alone.  I was loved.

Sitting in the quiet of my music, in the lavender scent of my candle, I remembered that the journey of life is not how much money you make or even how many people you help.  The journey of life is inward to self-awareness and self-love.  Only when we love ourselves fully and completely, will it then overflow to everything you do, to everyone you touch not because you need to, but because you want to. It will be honest and easy, not defensive and controlling.  There will be no mistakes, only opportunities to learn.

The Universe is filled with beauty to inspire and satisfy us, but the path through it is filled with bumps.  The bumps are how we grow, how we strengthen and sustain. They are our best teachers.  They do not teach how to fight Corona.  They teach about our truth and beauty. 

The negative emotions are the light bulbs that go on when we have a bump, saying, “Lesson coming!”  Know they are normal and natural.  They always teach the opposite. The self-contempt teaches self-love.  It is time to fill your emptiness with compassion and after so many acts of love and care given to yourself, you will begin to trust that you can keep yourself safe and even content no matter what the situation.

So in the quiet I connected to my own infinite wisdom and compassion.  I let Corona come up. The sight of me, so small and slight, dressed in white, appeared in the dark, cold ICU of medical school. I could hear the swish of the respirators and the pings of the monitors. I remembered my ignorance and failure.  I let the self-contempt, the disappointment and frustration correct me.  The truth is that I was put on this earth for purpose, given huge gifts for a reason.  I was a dedicated medical student.  It was a time of learning.  I became a knowledgeable, compassionate doctor.

Corona brought up residency and with it came images of being on call in the stuffy hospital darkness, admitting six patients and being paged to the ER by the sound of a siren.  I let the throat clenching fear teach trust.  Trust myself.  Trust the Power of the Universe that flows through me.  Everything is as it should be. Fear is forgetting that.

Corona brought up the guilt, the stinging heat behind my eyes, the gripping lockdown I felt every time I lost a patient. Even unearned guilt teaches forgiveness, to take responsibility, to learn the lesson and to forgive yourself.

And so it came to me in the quiet that I am still a dedicated compassionate doctor.  I don’t need to prove myself in the ICU. I am not qualified and probably not trainable, and that’s okay.  But maybe I can help the younger physicians in another way.  And, that’s why I am writing this to you.

I want to tell you that I have the same feelings as you. Your emotions are valid.  Listen to them in the quiet.  Let them teach you about yourself.  You are Love and Light.  The Power of Creation flows through you. Whether they lead you to the front lines or to help from home, all is well.  You are right where you need to be. 

It is not what you do but how you do it.  Let us not be driven into harms way by guilt and the subsequent need to prove oneself yet once again.  And, let us not be frozen by fear destined to remain in isolation. 

Get quiet, breath in all the healing calm of the Universe. Hold, savor, caress, release and feel yourself soften, loosen and open. And then ask, “What do I want to do?” Listen to the answer.  Listen to your spirit.  Know that your dreams are given to you by the Universe to take you to purpose.  Everything is as it should be.

You were called to this path.  You are the healer. Let us process the feelings, be reminded of our truth and beauty and only by loving and caring for yourself decide how your wonderful gifts are given to others.

You are forgiven.  You are loved.  You are ready.